AHOY THERE CAP’N

Did you read today that Helena Christensen has been replaced in the Walker Crisp ads by Judi Dench? No of course you didn’t. Without any offence meant to the already much maligned looks of Ms. Dench, it’s inconceivable that an ad agency would even consider replacing a beauty like Helena in order to provide a more appealing figure for children. But they have done just that with Birdseye Fish Fingers. Apparently the folks in the know have decided that the Dish with the Fish was not doing it for the kids. So that gorgeous chap who steered his fishing vessel (was it a boat? a submarine? who cares!) through the all-too-depleted seas to find us the best white fish for our fingers has been replaced by Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses. Or someone who looks just like him.

Well the days just get duller. There’s nothing left at all now for me to ogle at during our shopping trips. The acne ridden youth on the checkout is not much of a heart stopper, the Munch Bunch don’t do it for me, and the nearest to action I seem to get is the Buzz Lightyear on Olly’s yoghurt pots. I liked this George Clooney of the Battered Digits and now he’s hit the Perfect Storm and gone.

Despite every sign to the contrary, I’d like to think that I, and not just my children, have some influence on what goes in the basket at the supermarket. I suppose the advertisers reckon Pester Power only works in one direction; they’re wrong. I am (should it be to my shame?) not just carting stuff to the checkout because it’s organic, or low in salt or high in fibre and good for my children, I’m also putting things in the basket because they appeal to me.

I know for a fact that I’d choose nappies with a smiling Brad Pitt on the front rather than ones with yet another picture of a baby who isn’t as lovely as - though probably cleaner than - mine (and it probably sleeps! yells Steve in the background). I’d buy tons of fromage frais with pictures of a young Paul Newman on them instead of bits of fruit with goggling eyes and big boots. Come to think of it, why do they put an old Paul on his salad dressing? I bet they’d shift loads more if they used Paul circa Cool Hand Luke. And I’d choose pasta shapes of Russell Crowe any day over those of Tubbies or Tweenies.

It’s just another example of how when you become a mum you disappear off the register as a woman. There’s plenty of opportunity for you to do the right thing by your children and brighten up their lives with their favourite characters as they adorn every packet of stuff you give them. But there’s nothing on the products to give us a smile as women and brighten up our grey days (actually as I’m looking around I reckon my days are more red, green and yellow plastic than grey).

Sadly I think my voice is too quiet to be heard above the din of my darlings, demanding the dazzling colours and characters splattered over every item they consume. And I'm not sure my heart will be won over by a bearded old sailor despite his many years of sea faring experience, so I’ll have to content myself instead with Bob the Builder and those three dodgy looking blokes on the Rice Crispies packet.

Quote of the Week

Billie: Where is Daddy?

Olly: He's gone to work

Billie: Has he gone to work to buy money for toys?

Juliet Jones lives in domestic chaos with husband Steve, son Oliver (aged 3) and daughter Billie (aged 2) in Hertfordshire.