This may all sound a little heavy but there have been times over the past few weeks when it has been difficult to explain what is happening in our lives to our children. Like most families we have had plenty of small, new people brought into our family over the past few years - Noah has seven younger cousins, plus a brother and sister so he is no stranger to change - but there has been little 'loss' in his life, changes yes, but not loss as such. We know that Buzz's dad is only with us for a few more weeks, time has floated by almost imperceptibly since his diagnosis - the mist of disbelief has now lifted and we are now coming to accept what is going to happen –almost as if it is part of our plans for the summer.

All the children are close to their Grandpa: he is a very young 72, lives just around the corner and is full of life - full of humour, makes a mean soufflé omelette, knows all there is to know about 'the offside rule' in football and will draw Mickey Mouse until the cows come home! He has the acceptance of a child which only a grandparent can have, no judging, no questioning, just acceptance. One of my favourite images is of him fully ‘made over’ – purple nails, body glitter, gaudy earrings (Bet Lynch eat your heart out he’d say!) an’ all - with Alice on his knee, watching the Simpsons together - completely relaxed in one another's company.

Like most ADHD kids, Noah does not take to change well and so far, much to my distress, has refused to even talk about Grandpa not being here after the summer. If we talk about him, Noah quietly leaves the room; if Alice asks to go see him, Noah refuses to go along. It's almost as if, well if he doesn't see him, it just can't be true - he can imagine everything is okay and that's the way he wants it to be.

It is widely accepted that many ADHD kids have difficulty with emotions, their levels of Emotional Intelligence are not as high as that of other kids and they have problems with understanding how to respond in some situations; some see this aspect of the condition as one of the components of Asperger’s Syndrome (High Functioning Autism). Indeed I am seeing more and more boys (mainly) with not only ADHD symptoms but also traits of Asperger’s. This combination can be one of the most troublesome of all the difficulties we have to manage in my area of work as these kids do not often give much ‘back’ for all the love and affection they receive from their families; it’s not because they don’t want to – they just can’t because it is an alien concept to them in some ways.

Seven year-old Alice on the other hand has accepted the fact that Grandpa is going to die with the kind of matter-of-factness for which I have only admiration. "Well, when he dies I want him to wear the friendship bracelet I made him [fluorescent pink with a big orange plastic heart dangling from the centre] because we'll still be friends - just like when Erin moved away, just like that Mummy isn't it?" My heart goes out to her, her small, pink, earnest face - round, expressive baby-blue eyes, and over-the-top hand gestures as she speaks - emphasizing her words, accepting that nothing more can be done and we just have to make the best of it in her ‘Spit Spot’ Mary Poppins way.

Noah did ask once, two weeks ago I think it was, "Why can't Grandpa just have surgery Mum, like Nana did - surely then he would be okay."

My calm explanation about how it was just too late, that it wouldn't make any difference, that we had to make the very most of the next few months, seemed to fall on deaf ears - he just turned and walked away, his shoulders a little more rounded than before. "Noah," I called - "do you want a hug?" He ran back and we cuddled on the sofa, my tears falling silently on his sad, blonde head. If only I could protect them from this - pretend everything would be okay, not have to face the grief of my husband Buzz, the pain and everything else which goes with losing someone who isn't ready to die. But it's not going to happen, we have to get through this, as a family - we will do the best we can.

In some ways I am glad that this is happening to my children so young, death is a part of life and should really be treated as such - more accepted and normal in some ways.

But for now we will start to build on our memories while he is still here. Alice wants to make a Memory Box and Noah........well he's still trying to accept that things will be different after the summer - I guess in some ways he may have to grow up more over the next few months

Until next time

Jan

Jan Assheton RGN RSCN is an Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) Coach and Learning Mentor and the mother of a child with ADHD. She will be sharing the benefits of her personal and professional experience every two weeks.