FREE WILLY

OK you guys a quick quiz:

What is a nunny?
What is a fu fu?
What is a tinkle?
What is a willy?

I’m prepared to lay money on the fact that you only knew the answer to the fourth. And the others? Well, they are the results of a quick survey of a few female pals on what either they or their daughters call their genitalia. And it worries me. All our boy children have a generic term for their genitalia, one that is free from any medical or sexual overtone, and one that everyone knows what it means. Any little boy having to explain something to do with his ‘willy’ will be understood. How many of us, other than the parents of the girl in question, will know what she is referring to when she talks about her ‘fu fu’?

Not only is it a reflection on the fact that language has hitherto been male dominated but it also seems to say something about the haves and have nots in the gender divide. I remember when Olly was little and he and I were in the bath. He looked at his willy and said ‘willy’ and then looked between my legs and said ‘gone!’ At the time I thought it was funny, and I guess it still is. But I do hear a lot of mums telling their daughters that boys have willies and they don’t. Excuse me, they do, it’s just they don’t have a name that’s used and recognised by all of us. Since I’ve had Billie I’ve been in the habit of calling her genitalia her willy too, and she of course has no quarrel with that. The other day she was running around the house with no nappy because as she explained to me she liked to have her ‘willy undone’.

Of course I know that I am setting us up for problems because once she goes out into the world and other people hear her using a male term then confusion will arise. But what do we do? I know that there’s a school of thought that believes that we should call a vagina a vagina, but I guess my point is that little boys (and big ones come to that) have a friendly term for theirs and we don’t for ours. So what I’m wondering is whether we could ‘Free willy’. All we’d need is a national announcement that says that as of, say, the 1st June ‘willy’ would cease to refer solely to boys’ bits but would also apply to girls’ bits. If Tony Blair was reluctant to take this on, perhaps I could get it through as a private member’s bill (excuse the pun).

Just imagine if we did adopt ‘willy’ as a universal term. Would it be more readily accepted than the introduction of the Euro? Would it have to appear on the citizenship test? Would the Oxford English Dictionary, so keen to adopt ‘Ali G’ speak, greet us witharms? Or would the ‘Fu Fu Fighters’ rise up in protest against it? Let me know what you think.

Quote of the Week

Billie: I am wiping the bear with a wipe.
Me: Why?
Billie: Because he is not very well.
Me: What's wrong with him?
Billie: He is dead.

Juliet Jones lives in domestic chaos with husband Steve, son Oliver (aged 3) and daughter Billie (aged 2) in Hertfordshire.