NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

A recent exchange between myself and a woman I haven’t seen in a while:

Her:     ‘So are you working?’

Me:      ‘Yes, I’m bringing up my two children.’

Her:     ‘No. I mean have you got a job?’

Me:      ‘Yes, I’m bringing up Oliver and Billie.’

Her:     ‘So you just diddle about at home then?’

It’s a common misconception isn’t it? As all you guys and gals out there at home holding/feeding/walking/playing with the baby will know. All your mates who’ve not had kids think you are whiling away the hours with a happy mix of ‘Trisha’, cups of tea and cosy chats with other layabout parents. Oh, if only that were true.

Before I had kids I had a fairly hectic job. I worked in TV and then spent a couple of years involved with Internet stuff. I’ve interviewed grumpy town councillors on windswept Yorkshire Dales with a failing microphone, travelled up and down motorways for weeks on end searching for just the right contributor. I’ve interviewed divorcing couples and drunken down and outs. I have been involved in meetings with bureaucrats that seem to have lasted half my life. And nothing, nothing at all compares with how hard it is bringing up kids.

Naomi Wolf recently wrote about how the feminist struggle for equality seems to have been conducted almost entirely in the workplace, neglecting the plight of women at home almost completely. I thank God for what’s been achieved, but like her I wonder who the hell is looking out for us parents? The fact that ‘homemakers’ weren’t entitled to appear on the census is the icing on the cake.

But before I continue, I would like to make an apology, firstly to my Mum and then to every other parent out there. I am sorry: before I had kids I had no idea. So I apologise for thinking I was cleverer and harder working than you, because I wasn’t.

And a question. Has anyone doing this job remained sane? The sheer frustration is enough to drive you crazy. I talk to myself all the time. I have parts of the day which terrify me (4.00 till 6.00 pm are my witching hours). I get really upset when the children mix the colours up in the play dough and grumpy when Olly ruins my train track layout. When they were smaller it took a whole morning to get ready to go out and just as I was about to put them in a buggy one of them did a poo.

I’ve also realised that no task in this job has an end. When I made a film there was a finite point: transmission. This job is not like that. There is always more washing in the basket, and more ironing in the pile. The dishwasher always needs emptying or filling. I seem to spend half my time bending down picking up toys and the other half watching the children throw them back down again. There is always another meal to prepare, or dishes to clear. Another nappy to change, bottle to fill and so on.

In addition, and perhaps it’s because we’ve never had a Parents’ Union, we just don’t seem to get any of the normal perks of other jobs. For instance when you stay home to bring up kids you cannot:

Go to the toilet by yourself
Pretend to be working
Have a lunch break/tea break
Take sick leave or holidays or weekends off
Speak with people taller than, or the same height as you
Ever tell people what you do and expect even an iota of respect

However you can:

Wear your pyjamas all day
Not wash your hair or yourself for a week
Not speak sense for days on end

Anyway, I reckon it’s time we had a bit of Parent Pride. Maybe we could have a symbol or logo - a grubby handprint perhaps or a basket full of washing. Perhaps we could wear a special epaulet with a little bit of sick on it. We could go on marches to improve our circumstances, lobby parliament, go on TV. Just as long as we could do it from home so we could look after the children!

PS

If you’re thinking of becoming an ‘at home parent’ here are some of the professions that I think would stand you in good stead:

Lion tamer
Clown
Prison warden
Structural engineer (tents and bridge building being a big theme in our house)
Riot policeman
Nurse
Secretary-General of the United Nations
Relate councillor
Blue Peter presenter

* Naomi Wolf's book Misconceptions is published by Chatto and Windus (2001).

Quote of the Week

Olly to Steve ‘You hold Billie ... and I will bash her.’

Juliet Jones lives in domestic chaos with husband Steve, son Oliver (aged 3) and daughter Billie (aged 2) in Hertfordshire.