INTRODUCTION

If you are facing the break-up of your relationship there are many issues you might need to consider, whether you are married or not. Break-up can involve complicated moral, financial and practical considerations, and you might need legal help. If you have children with your partner, you might need help in arranging for contact and maintenance.

You will find a lot of useful information, advice and support available, much of which is online. There are organisations offering practical support too, and advice on how to make the whole process as quick and as painless as possible. They will also offer advice on how to start rebuilding your life when you become a lone parent.

As a start you might want to look at the On Divorce website’s Divorce Checklist, which will give you an idea of issues that you might have to consider. If you live in Scotland and are cohabiting, it’s worth visiting the pages on Scottish divorce law on the Divorce.co.uk site, as you might find that you are already considered married under Scottish law.

You can negotiate the break-up of your relationship, which might result in a divorce or a separation, in three ways: through a mediator, through solicitors (though they are sometimes trained as mediators as well) and through the court. Even if your break-up is amicable, you might still need to legalise your agreement, and you can do that through solicitors.

THE INTERESTS OF CHILDREN

Divorce is especially painful for children, and it is important to carefully consider their role and their future. There are three main issues here for parents to decide on: custody, contact and maintenance. But it is also important that children understand what is happening and that they feel safe and cared for. The Official Solicitor’s office publishes ‘Keeping in Touch: How to Help Your Child after Separation or Divorce’ which provides a good overview on how children are affected by the break up of families; you can also download ‘Children and Separation’ from the Scottish Law Society website’s publications section but you will need Adobe Acrobat Reader toit (download free).

There are many sites for children, designed to help them get through their parents separation or divorce. The BBC runs a ‘Children of Divorce’ site, and also provides lists of other organisations, such as counselling organisations for children from a variety of cultural backgrounds.

To learn more about the rights of children under Northern Ireland’s divorce law visit the Children’s Law Centre site. For general background see the Kids Rights site, with a list of rights for children facing their parents’ divorce, as well as Care Zone, with advice and support for children and parents.

The Cambridge Family and Divorce Centre (Telephone: 01223 576308) provides mediation and specialist child counselling services, as well as a list of books on divorce for children

There are other organisations you can contact if you think you and/or your child might benefit from counselling. The Institute of Family Therapy (Telephone: 020 7391 9150) can be contacted about counselling and therapeutic services both for adults and children. See our section on counsellors & therapists. There is also a Government backed scheme called Parentline Plus, (0808 800 2222) which gives help to parents experiencing difficulties with their children.

Please see our section on lone parents for more information.

Contact

It is important for children to have contact with both parents (unless there was abuse) and this is recognised as a child’s right to contact with parents. See the Convention on the Rights of the Child, also ratified by the UK.

Contact issues (previously known as access) are sometimes even more contentious than the payment of child support. Often, in a situation where there was domestic violence or abuse, it is difficult to reconcile the interests of all involved. Mediation can, again, be helpful here. The BBC site for children of divorced parents offers advice and contact information for mediation services and contact centres for all ethnic backgrounds, as well as stepfamilies.

Contact centres are places where a parent can see his/her child without having to see the ex-partner. If you need a neutral setting for contact arrangements, you can get in touch with the National Association of Child Contact Centres.

Child Support

There can be no clean break, (dismissal of maintenance rights), between parents and children. One parent will usually pay maintenance for children until they reach the age of 17 or cease full-time education, whichever comes later. For information on child support see the Department of Social Security site as well as the Divorce.co.uk site.

The Child Support Agency (CSA) regulates the payment of child support. You can find your local Child Support Agency on the CSA website; there is also a national enquiry line on 0345 133133. In Northern Ireland contact the Northern Ireland Child Support Agency.

Your solicitor will be able to do a calculation for you, but you can also download a maintenance calculator from Child Support Internet. There is a general rule that an absent parent should not pay more than 30% of net income in maintenance. Under certain circumstances, direction may be given to reduce the amount payable once calculated.

The Child Support Agency has received a lot of bad press. You can find out more about problems with the CSA on Child Support Internet and on the Family Support Agency site. If you do run into problems with the CSA and feel that you have a good case against them, you can complain to the Independent Case Examiner - you can get guidance on this from the CSA National Enquiry Line on 08457 133 133. If you need to take your case further go to the Office of the Social Security and Child Support Commissioners.

THE PROCESS

Mediation

Mediation is a legal process that can be used by married or unmarried couples to settle issues between them. The advantage of mediation is that trained mediators guide you through the process to help you achieve an amicable agreement on all the important matters, such as the arrangements for the children, housing and finances. It is the preferred method of dispute resolution by the Government and academics. The main three providers of mediation are charities and have sliding fee scales; they are committed to providing mediation regardless of your ability to pay. You will usually be required to attend a meeting to see if it would be suitable for you.

The Lord Chancellor’s Department’s ‘How Family Mediation Can Help You’ offers a good introduction to the subject and can bring you up to date on revised eligibility requirements for legally aided mediation.

You can learn more about the process and find a mediator on the National Family Mediation (NFM) website. NFM is a network of over 60 local non-profit Family Mediation Services in England and Wales. The Legal Aid Board has granted franchises to most NFM Services to offer legally aided mediation. In fact, if you seek legal aid for your solicitor’s services, you will be required to have a meeting with a mediator to consider whether mediation is suitable. However the mediation itself is voluntary and will only go ahead if everyone is agreed.

In Scotland, you can contact Family Mediation Scotland (FMS) on 0131 220 1610. FMS is a coordinating body for 12 local affiliated family mediation services across Scotland. It is free to all separating and divorcing parents who jointly seek solutions for their children. They are based in 127 Rose Street, South Lane, Edinburgh, EH2 4BB.

The UK College of Family Mediators provides information, advice and guidelines, for there are closely scrutinised practice standards as well as standards for the accreditation of mediators.

Mediation is not designed to help get you back together. At the end of the mediation, any issues that have been agreed are written down in an agreement, which those involved then show to their solicitors. The discussions and the agreement remain confidential, and cannot be disclosed to a court, other than in exceptional circumstances, for example, if there is a risk of substantial harm to adult or a child. If there is such a risk please also go to our section on child abuse.

You are advised to seek legal advice before or during mediation in order to ensure you are not giving up any legal rights to which you may be entitled and you will need a solicitor to make your agreement legally binding; bear in mind that some solicitors are also trained as mediators.

How to Find Legal Help

Visit our Lawyers and Legal Advice section.

Reconciliation

The involvement of solicitors does not preclude the possibility of reconciliation. A number of organisations offer counselling for couples. The main provider is Relate (Relate Northern Ireland: 01232 323454). The Lord Chancellor’s Department publishes a full directory of marriage guidance services.

Separation

If you are married, you might decide to separate instead of divorce for financial or religious reasons, especially if neither of you wants to remarry immediately or in the near future. It is also worth considering because of pension rights and tax issues. The Divorce.co.uk site provides advice and guidance on these issues. For information on the situation in Scotland, visit Divorce Law Scotland’s pages on separation agreements.

You can legally resolve issues about children and money so you can live independently. A solicitor can help you draw up and enter into a separation agreement to set out the terms you have agreed about financial arrangements, about any future divorce or about the children. Until there is a divorce, the agreement serves as a binding contract between the husband and the wife (in relation to financial and housing issues).

The Lord Chancellor’s Department offers further reading on separation under the Family Law Act 1996, as well as other useful information on break-up but you will need Adobe Acrobat Reader toit (download free).

If you decide on a divorce later, you can ask the court to make an order confirming the terms of the agreement. The court will rarely overturn a separation agreement, especially if you have both received independent legal advice. However, if one of you applies for the agreement to be overturned, the court may decide to do so.

You may also apply to a court for a decree of judicial separation. Such a decree does not terminate the marriage and it provides a solution if either of you has religious objections to divorce. Unlike a separation agreement, grounds need to be proved: these are the same as the facts that currently have to be established to obtain a divorce (see A Guide To Divorce Procedure on Divorce.co.uk) but it is not necessary to prove that the marriage has broken down irretrievably. A decree of judicial separation (the equivalent of a decree nisi) enables the court to make orders about property and money. Judicial separation is relatively uncommon.

Divorce

Sometimes divorce is the only practical solution. It is important that you understand how the law works so you can protect the interests of your children, as well as your own and your ex-partner’s. In England and Wales major divorce reforms will take effect when the Family Law Act 1996 comes into force. But this is unlikely to happen for two or three years. Until then, the present divorce system remains as described below. The Court Service is an executive agency of the Lord Chancellor’s Department. On its website you can find legal information as well as download applications for divorce and other relevant forms and leaflets.

Current Divorce Law

At present the law allows one ground for divorce - the irretrievable breakdown of marriage. The petitioner (person suing for divorce) must satisfy the court that the marriage has broken down by establishing one of the following facts:

·        Adultery

·        Unreasonable behaviour

·        Desertion

·        Separation, i.e. that the parties have lived apart for at least two years and that they both consent to divorce

·        That the parties have lived apart for at least five years

If a couple live together for more than six months after either the last act of unreasonable behaviour or the discovery of the last act of adultery, then that evidence cannot be used for divorce proceedings. Similarly, a period of separation would be discounted if the couple live together again for a period of six months.

You can apply to the court in England or Wales or in Northern Ireland for the marriage to be dissolved, provided you are a resident, or have been habitually resident for at least one year before the application to the court is made. It is not possible to start divorce proceedings within the first year of marriage. If you have been married for less than a year you can apply to annul the marriage in England and Wales, see the Lawrights site. Relevant forms for England and Wales are available from Court Service but you will need Adobe Acrobat Reader tothem (download here).

The procedure is different in Scotland, and there are a number of changes that are being proposed so it’s worth checking for updates on the Scottish Executive site, searching under ‘Divorce’. For Scottish divorce law, also see Divorce.co.uk.

Under the current system, divorce on ‘fault’ grounds can be processed in as little as three months, but divorce can also take a very long time. Financial and child-related matters have separate time-scales.

DIY Divorce

If your case is simple you might be able to do a DIY divorce. You can buy a DIY legal-pack from Divorce Online and there are books on the subject as well.

The Scottish Courts offer a simplified divorce procedure and provide information online as to whether you qualify, how much it costs and what you have to do

The Divorceuk site also offers advice on DIY divorce in England and Wales.

The Court

The divorce has two main stages. The first, the decree nisi, is granted by the Court if it is satisfied that the grounds for divorce have been established. The divorce is not final until the decree absolute; care should be taken not to apply for the decree absolute until important financial considerations such as pensions and life assurance have been considered. It is always possible to stop divorce proceedings, or to have the decree nisi rescinded. Only the decree absolute is irrevocable.

When your divorce proceedings get to the court, you will most likely need a barrister (though solicitors increasingly represent now as well) especially if your case is complex. You would usually get a barrister through your solicitor as the law has kept the Bar (as the Barristers are collectively known) separate from the rest of the profession. The Bar Council of England & Wales is the governing body of Barristers.

Legal Costs

Divorce proceedings consist of three parts: the divorce suit, children and finance. Legal Aid is not available for the divorce suit itself unless you are on certain benefits. It is available, however, for the children and finance stages if you have less than £12,000 (approx.) disposable income. Legal Services govern legal aid. To find out if you are eligible, and what the process entails, go to the Legal Services Commission, the Scottish Legal Aid Board, or the Northern Ireland Legal Aid Department.

Even if you are not eligible for legal aid, you can still reduce the cost of your divorce by planning it properly, using mediation services and making sure you don’t employ professionals for things you can do yourself. The majority of divorces are uncontested, yet the financial issues and the issues of custody and contact with children take up most of the time and expense. Divorce-Online provides plenty of advice on how to plan the divorce and reduce the costs. Consulting the information provided by the Court Service can also help.

FINANCIAL ISSUES

Whether you have decided on mediation, separation or divorce, you will have to consider issues such as financial arrangements and custody of your children, if you have any. Most divorcing and separating couples will reach a financial settlement to avoid stress and high legal costs of a court hearing. If there is no realistic chance of agreement, you can apply to the court to resolve the situation. Issues you are likely to discuss and consider are different in each case, but they can include: tax issues, your home, business and other assets, trusts and inheritances, pensions and insurance. There are a number of sites dealing extensively with these issues and Ondivorce lists organisations that can help. Where relevant, see the Sharing Pensions website, with information on the division of pension rights in UK divorce.

HOUSING

This is a pressing issue, and again, there is a lot of advice on what you can do to protect your interests. Ondivorce lists groups that offer extensive information and practical advice on one’s housing situation, whether you rent or own your family home, or are in danger of becoming homeless. If your family home is in your spouse’s name, you can apply to amend the information. Speak to your solicitor and also check the Land Registry Site and Land Registry Direct.

Homelessness

The Housing Act 1988 requires local councils to provide emergency accommodation for homeless individuals or families. The definition of homelessness is quite strict. You must not have “made yourself intentionally homeless.” If you are a victim of domestic violence, you must be able to prove that you have attempted to get the perpetrator removed from the property, by asking for an injunction, for example. You can download an application for an injunction from the Legal Services Commission’s site (you’ll need Adobe Acrobat Reader toit which you can download for free), or if you are in Scotland, check information on divorce.co.uk. You can also find application forms for Northern Ireland online.

Even if you can prove you are homeless for legitimate reasons, you might still have to wait for a long time before the council find you accommodation. If you are in danger of becoming homeless, there are several things you can do. Speak to your Citizens Advice bureau - you will find your nearest bureau online. They will be able to point you in the right direction. You can also contact organisations such as Shelter National Campaign for the Homeless, which provides specialist temporary housing to people in need. Call Shelterline on their freephone number 0808 800 4444, or e-mail them on info. Shelter Scottish Campaign for Homeless People is based at Scotiabank House, 4th Floor, 6 South Charlotte Street, Edinburgh EH2 4AW; Shelter Cymru at 25 Walter Road, Swansea SA1 5NN.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

The Family Law Act 1996 introduced a set of legal remedies for victims of domestic violence. The Lord Chancellor’s Department’s website provides legal information on domestic violence.

You can find help and a safe place to stay through Women’s Aid. In Northern Ireland, contact the Northern Ireland Women’s Aid Federation. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 08457 023 468.

If you want to pass on a message to family and/or friends in confidence and without the call being traced, telephone (freecall):0800 0184318.

For support for one parent families the National Council for One Parent Families runs a freephone number (Monday to Friday 9.15am to 5.15am) on 0800 018 5026. There is also Gingerbread, offering support for the lone parent.

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

A break-up is a very difficult time, and it can also be very painful. Sometimes it can take a long time while all the legal issues are being considered and resolved. In such times, you might benefit from support and there are many organisations and groups offering all kinds of support.

The British Association for Counselling can help you find a counsellor on its website. The National Council for the Divorced and Separated offers specialised support (they have a website but we do not have permission to link to it).

Divorce Recovery Workshop is a UK-wide self-help group run by volunteers who have personally experienced a relationship break-up.

With Dignity offers help and support for people coming to terms with the ending of a relationship through adultery, general breakdown and divorce, giving them the strength to move on.

On Divorce.co.uk you can find extensive advice on how to approach the issues such as ending a relationship, carrying your decision through, and minimising the damage to all the parties involved.

Families Need Fathers provides support for men and for the benefits of shared parenting.

If you are depressed you can find excellent support on Depression Alliance, a UK charity offering to help people with depression, run by sufferers themselves. The Samaritans offer help at any time, when you feel really low.

The Family Welfare Association on 020 7 254 6251 (501-505 Kingsland Road, London E8 4AU) provides social work and social care services to families and individuals. A variety of services are offered to those facing social and emotional difficulties, including family and relationship problems, bereavement, loneliness, poverty, unemployment and homelessness. 

Gingerbread is a support organisation for lone parents (through bereavement, divorce, separation, desertion, domestic violence or by choice) and their families, with around 200 groups around England and Wales. Gingerbread offers advice on benefits, childcare, CSA, contact, divorce, employment, housing, maternity rights and lone parenthood.

Ondivorce.co.uk has a list of books dealing with the practical and emotional issues of divorce.

Please see our section on lone parents for more information.