Welcome back to my ADHD Diary – things have been rather unsettled at home over the past few weeks and my diary has been rather neglected.

As you may know, my father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months ago.  We were shocked and angry that, in these times, such a devastating illness could go undetected and reach such a stage without any hope of a recovery.  

My father-in-law wanted just another year, just long enough to see Alice settled in Junior School, Noah make the ‘A’ Team in cricket and to see some of his plans for the garden come to fruition.  Sadly this was not to be; he never gave up, never accepted that he was going to die – fighting it all the way – until the very end that is.  He finally gave up his fight last week, at home, with his son dozing quietly in the chair next to him and his wife making another cup of tea for the nurse.  Dignified and undemanding to the last, it was in some ways how he wanted to go, in others….maybe not.

The children did not manage to say all their good-byes. Alice last saw him just before her dancing show in the theatre, she pranced around his bed in her costume, giggling with delight and excitement, she sang some of the show songs for him and promised not to be sad.  She performed perfectly on the stage that night, no-one would ever have known what was going on, except just once, when the stage lights seemed to shine too brightly on her cheek and I suddenly noticed they were wet with tears. But, she carried on smiling – oh how she smiled, like a real trouper – I was so proud and overcome with emotion, I wept buckets!

Noah, on the other hand, found it rather more difficult. His last visits were put off several times and in the end he just couldn’t do it – say goodbye to a Grandpa who he loved dearly, who had accepted him as his own grandchild when he launched himself into his life at the tender age of three, who never questioned his diagnosis of ADHD and never criticised his behaviour once.  Even when he was very ill but still up and about and Noah was jumping around the room in typical Ritalin-Rebound fashion, we could see that the levels of noise and activity were getting to him but he never said a word, just smiled quietly at Noah’s antics until we swiftly ushered him back home.

I took some time off work from my job as a learning mentor at a school for children with moderate learning difficulties.  The children at school were wonderful, kind caring and thoughtful when I explained why I had been off. One of them made me giggle when, after I had explained that Buzz’s Dad had died he asked very seriously “So……..who shot him then?” (I work in an inner-city school or…..is it just too many shoot-em-up movies? methinks the former!!)

When we took Grandpa to the church to say our final farewells, we stopped at the woods for him to have one last look – he loved the woods so much, often taking the children for long, timeless walks at all times of the year. Some of their most vivid memories are of being with him in the woods or on the beach nearby.  Alice sang for him in church – they used to sing The ‘Umbrella Song’ (from Mary Poppins ) together and would collapse in fits of giggles at the “too-ra-loo-rah loo-rah, too-ra-loo-rah loo-rah” bits.  It was the “loo” word that Kate found so hilarious.  Her voice, sweet and clear at the front of the church was the breaking point for most people but, just like on the stage, she continued to the end and the vicar gave her a big hug, telling her how brave she was.

Our children are so lucky to have had such a wonderful Grandpa – we couldn’t have asked for more than he gave and we miss him terribly.  Sometimes I forget he’s no longer here and then remember with a wave of sadness. It will pass I know but it’s so painful for us all.

Alice and Noah are making Memories Boxes over the summer holidays, there are so many things which remind them of Grandpa – we won’t be able to fit them all in! Sand from the beach, pine-cones from the woods, we have pressed some flowers from the funeral and they each have a champagne cork from the meal we had afterwards.  I have found these boxes to be very helpful when dealing with loss with the children at work – I also use a book entitled “Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine” at work which again is most helpful in taking children through the various stages of grief and loss.  Unfortunately Alice found a of the book in my study several weeks ago and innocently asked Grandpa if he would help her to colour it in!

Alice often cries for Grandpa at night “I just want him Mummy” is all she says.  Noah is fine most of the time.  We have our sad moments which we cope with when they come along and then we remember the happy times we had and how Grandpa lives on in them – how he will never really be gone as we have so many wonderful and special memories and because he taught them both so much about life and how to live it to the full.

So this instalment, Arthur, is dedicated to you with thanks and gratitude for everything you have done and given us over these past few years – we miss you so, but understand that you didn’t really want to leave us.

Until next time

Jan

Jan Assheton RGN RSCN is an Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) Coach and Learning Mentor and the mother of a child with ADHD. She will be sharing the benefits of her personal and professional experience every two weeks.