Family Mediation
Many couples reach a turning point in their relationship which can prompt them to consider planning for future lives apart. This may be a situation which can be resolved through counselling support or other guidance. Mediation is most useful when at least one party is quite clear that the relationship is over. The mediation process does not assume a preferred outcome, other than agreement on a way to move forward. It is not aimed at reconciliation.
If one or other party has reached a decision to end the relationship and especially when they have children to consider, mediation can provide a professional, supportive and confidential setting in which to consider the issues connected with their separation (or divorce).
It is important that both parties are agreed about coming to mediation are committed to the process and understand they are required to be honest and
It can be that one party, having given more thought already to a proposed separation may initially seem more confident about taking the discussions forward. This imbalance is unlikely to be sustained since mediators are committed to equal participation, and facilitate active involvement from both parties. Within mediation no value judgements are made as to why a relationship has broken down.
Typically, an early topic of discussion for those with families and children is how to announce the separation appropriately and sensitively, to those immediately affected, other family members and friends. The parties will often exhibit differing viewpoints reflected in their individual perspectives and preferences. By acknowledging differences and discussing their priorities and goals, within the mediation, a point of resolution will frequently be reached, leading to an acceptable solution. Other crucial discussions such as where and with whom the children may live will be visited and re-visited until a sense of having scrutinized all possibilities and evaluated each of the proposals has been accomplished.
Reconsidering alternative proposals and evaluating the issues will take time, but the process itself gives both parties the experience of having been allowed to make the best choices available to them in the given circumstances, which may help them to decide with confidence, or to support a decision which they may not have preferred.
Mediation can have particular advantages when considering arrangements and practical planning for shared parenting and contact arrangements, not just in the early days of a separation. As time passes, the circumstances of one or both parents may change, and mediation can be used to help those involved cope with the challenges presented by, for example, new jobs or new relationships.
Financial arrangements such as division of property and other assets can be considered and the various options addressed regarding financial support and dealing with liabilities.
This is a process which can successfully move at the pace of the parties, directing time and attention to their expressed priorities.
What is it?
Mediation is becoming more widely recognized in the context of proposed or potential legal proceedings as an alternative resource for dispute resolution.
It is a voluntary process.
Given the adversarial framework of the judicial system and the tendency for issues to be presented in terms of right or wrong, resulting judgments may fail to properly reflect or promote the ongoing pattern of family life. Mediation can be used to resolve all the issues between a separating or divorcing couple, or specific matters. By taking into account changing needs and relationships it can work to support balanced outcomes for all family members.
Both parties would need to seek legal advice from a solicitor to create a binding agreement.
Mediation is not counselling. It is participation by independent (third party) mediators to bring together the two parties in a neutral environment, so that they can safely express views, discuss their priorities and evaluate potential solutions.
Mediators are qualified practitioners who follow a professional Code of Practice.
Why use it?
Families faced with the breakdown of a parental relationship may feel like bystanders to a drama in which trust love respect, honesty and loyality are myths which have been shattered.
Attempting to communicate directly with a former close partner can provoke extreme reactions, statements of differences of opinion and values - which need to be considered in order to address proposals for acceptable decisions. The confidential framework of mediation can provide a safe environment to put forward opinions and to be heard. While respecting differing views and opinions it provides a structure in which the parties’ proposals can be actively questioned and explored and solutions identified.
It is possible to consider the reality of shared parenting and functional routines, setting out arrangements for children which are practical and achievable and can be maintained.
What are the advantages?
Finding a measure of agreement about arrangements which you then implement can create a renewed sense of credibility and competence in being a parent and achieving outcomes for the family.
Mediation may not be an easy option but having addressed immediate concerns and then discussed and evaluated proposals both parties gain a sense of what has been agreed and a fuller understanding of how that should work in practice.
The proposals for settlement which have been worked out can be summarized and taken by each party, to a solicitor and formalized as legally binding.
What form does it take?
Before the first meeting the couple will return a preliminary information form to the mediators. This will be used as a basis to focus on the main issues, discuss with the couple what they hope to achieve and address any immediate concerns.
Mediation takes place in a private and informal setting with both parties present and one or two mediators.
Meetings lasting for 90 minutes are usually arranged and as a general guide 3-6 sessions can be expected.
The session is usually conducted as a face to face meeting where parties are helped both to express points of view and listen to the other’s opinions. Mediators will not take sides or tell parties what to do but manage the situation to help the parties explore their issues and ideas and proposals for solutions.
How much does it cost?
The costs of mediation vary and most fees reflect the hourly rates which a solicitor would charge.
Legal Aid services are available for those who are eligible.
Contact: Family Mediation Helpline - freephone
ADR, Family Mediators Association, Grove House, Grove Road, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6UN. Tel:
For further information, see the Tigerchild article on Separation and Divorce
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