INTRODUCTION

If you have experienced the death of someone in your family there are a variety of organisations that can offer understanding and practical support to children, parents and families. Many of these agencies are made up of people who have also faced bereavement and who understand the terrible shock of the early days but know as well that it may be some years later when you need support, guidance or information.

There are no rules on how to grieve but it may help to think of bereavement as a path with many turns that continues to change over the years.

THE DEATH OF A CHILD

At such a difficult time the family may find it helpful to link up with someone who has lost a child in similar circumstances. This can help ease some of the terrible isolation you may feel and also help you to find information and local services for your family.

Compassionate Friends is an organisation made up of bereaved parents that offers befriending support and has a local group network you can join. The contact information is available online. They also produce many informative leaflets.

Child Death Helpline is for all those affected by the death of a child. You can call to speak to a volunteer who is also a bereaved parent every evening from 7pm to 10pm, and from 10am to 1pm Mon/Wed/Fri. on Freephone .

If Your Baby is Stillborn or Dies within the First Four Weeks of Life

The Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS) offers support when your baby dies during pregnancy or around the time of birth. The support is for anyone in the family who would like to talk about what has happened.

The SANDS helpline can put you in touch with a befriender who has also lost a baby or find you a local group. The website publishes contact details and more information on the support SANDS offers. It also provides a list of publications.

Tommy’s Campaign was set up to research and provide education on the causes of premature birth, miscarriage and stillbirth. You can find out more about the work the charity is doing by visiting its website.

If you were pregnant with multiples and lost one or more of the babies at any stage there is specialist support available. The Twins & Multiple Births Association (TAMBA) Bereavement Support Group is a befriending service run by bereaved parents; it has a helpline and website.

When a Baby Dies Suddenly

The Foundation for the Study of Infant Death (FSID) offers a 24-hour phone line for anyone who has experienced the terrible shock of the sudden, unexpected death of a baby. They understand you may have many questions and have information to help the family as well as a befriender network. You can apply for a phonecard for free phone calls to the helpline. You can also e-mail FSID on fsid.

FSID has collated statistics on the number of cot deaths, defined as unexpected death of a baby for no obvious reason. If the post-mortem examination does not explain the cause of death this may be registered as Sudden Death Syndrome, sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) or cot death. The FSID booklet ‘When a Baby Dies Suddenly and Unexpectedly’ offers advice on seeing your baby after the post-mortem examination.

Care of the Next Infant Scheme (CONI) was set up to help parents who have lost a child and are preparing for the birth of another child. This service links up with midwives, GPs and Health Visitors and acknowledges that parents can need extra support to deal with the natural fears that arise following a sudden death.

The FSID website also has information on ordering leaflets and books.

When a Child Dies as a Result of a Specific Condition or Rare Disorder

The charity Contact A Family has put together a quick and useful reference to find support groups linked to specific conditions. These organisations are often a good starting point for linking up with another family who may have been bereaved.

You may or may not have had contact with a children’s hospice. Even if you haven’t you can still call on their expertise and get advice on local services.

Road Traffic Accidents

RoadPeace is a national charity offering support to those who are bereaved or injured in a road crash. You can contact their support line on . RoadPeace also educates and campaigns for changes in the law.

When a Child has been Murdered

In such shocking and terrible circumstances it may not seem possible to gain any support. There are other parents and families who have experienced the loss of a child through murder and Compassionate Friends have put together an in-depth information sheet based on advice from people who know what you are going through. This details important practicalities. Following a murder the death becomes public property and so the family has no control over information to be released. They discuss the implications of this and other issues.

Other sources of advice and information worth contacting:

Support After Murder and Manslaughter (SAMM) – support from people who have also suffered a similar bereavement. Telephone or e-mail: enquiries.

Victim Support – a national charity for people affected by crime. It is completely independent and can offer advice and support throughout the legal procedures. Find your local scheme on their website.

The Home Office pack ‘Information for the Families of Homicide Victims’ should be given to you by the Police Family Liaison Officer. Another useful Home Office leaflet is ‘When Sudden Death Occurs’ (England & Wales only). You will need to download Adobe Acrobat Reader (free) in order to access the leaflet.

For information on coroners, inquests & post mortems see our section below.

The Death of a Family Member by Suicide

You may have had many years of worry leading up to a suicide or it could have come without warning. It will inevitably be a devastating shock. Parents who have survived a bereavement by suicide have written about some of the things you may face in the Compassionate Friends leaflet, ‘After Suicide’. This gives advice about what police and coroner involvement you can expect. For a suicide verdict there has to be clear evidence of intent and in many cases anverdict is given. It is helpful to know how to deal with media interest, and when you can ask for any evidence to be returned to you for example, a suicide note.

The Compassionate Friends organisation offer help and advice and can be contacted through their helpline: Tel: .

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS) support families who have been bereaved by suicide. This is a self-help organisation which offers a national helpline , 9am to 9pm every day), group meetings, bereavement packs, practical information, conferences and residential events.

For information on coroners, inquests & post mortems see our section below.

DEATH OF SOMEONE IN THE FAMILY

A number of the organisations listed above will also be able to offer help if it is another member of the family who has died rather than a child. Some useful general organisations to contact include:

Cruse Bereavement Care, the leading UK charity specialising in bereavement.

Bereavement in a family causes disruption as everyone finds their own way to deal with grief and the changes that come when someone dies. Relate counsels couples who are experiencing problems with their relationship.

If your partner has died, you may find helpful information in our lone parents section.

The Samaritans provide 24-hour support, via phonelines on ; you can also visit your local branch or e-mail them.

THE GRIEF PROCESS

It is impossible to know how you will feel, but it is likely that you will go through many emotions, and these may return at unexpected times. People talk of numbness, feeling afraid, terrible despair and sadness but also anger. It takes time for the reality of the loss to sink in. It is important for the process of grief that all the differing emotions are experienced. Denial of feelings can hold up the natural urge to make sense of the loss and let it become part of your life in a way that allows you to move forward when the time is right. The Child Bereavement Trust offers information, rather than support, on how families and children experience loss.

HOW TO FIND SUPPORT FOR A BEREAVED CHILD

Children do grieve: even young children will have a sense of loss and the changes at home even if they cannot verbalise this. It may be tempting to try to protect a child from the pain of loss but children need to be part of preparations for the funeral if they wish and of on-going discussions about family life, including remembering the person who has died. Children can cope with the truth if supported and given enough information on a level that they can understand.

There are organisations that specialise in helping families to support children through bereavement. The following ones can give advice on how to break difficult news and find appropriate ways to include the children in the events and changes that follow.

The Compassionate Friends leaflet, ‘Our Surviving Children’ is written specifically for children who have lost a sibling, but includes lots of practical advice and tips that are relevant to any bereaved child. It covers a number of ways to share information. Parents have found that it can actually be very helpful for a child to see their dead relative, and advice is given on preparing a child, so this is not so frightening for them. It also details different reactions according to the age of the child and this helps prepare families – children are often able to move in and out of sadness very quickly which can make it seem as if they don’t really care.

Child Bereavement Project is in the process of setting up a Network Directory of services for children and families. At the moment services do vary according to where you live; if you phone them on they will put you in touch with local support. They are hoping to set up a website in the future.

Winston’s Wish, a charity which supports bereaved children and young people, has a national family line to offer support, information and guidance to anyone caring for a child or young person who has been bereaved. This is a Gloucestershire-based service with many years of experience in working with children and their expertise is now available nationwide.

For young people to access advice directly, Winston’s Wish has set up an interactive site, with the chance to share discussions on feelings, pictures, poems and games online.

Another online resource that is addressed at young people themselves is the ‘For Young People’ section of the Child Bereavement Trust site. This has some useful information on how life feels after the death of someone you love.

The network of Children’s Hospices around the country will each have a bereavement counsellor. Even if the death is unconnected to a hospice or terminal illness they are expert in working with children and families and can offer advice and put you in touch with services that are available.

The Compassionate Friends have newsletters for children who have lost a sibling.

Cruse Bereavement Care, the national charity, has set up some groups around the country for children to meet and share their experiences whilst taking part in a variety of activities to help them come to terms with their loss.

Childline, the national 24-hour phone support line for children, has a website with a section on bereavement and a freephone number to contact on 0800 1111.

HOW TO FIND PROFESSIONAL HELP

If you feel your child or someone in your family needs more support there are organisations that you can approach for advice on local contacts. Your GP may be able to put you in touch with a counsellor – this will depend on the services that are available.

Youth Access is a national organisation for youth information, advice, counselling and support services. Young people can self-refer and depending on the problem they can find a local service. This may be useful for bereavement support, but also if grief comes out in other behaviours, such as drug taking, for example. Youth Access can be reached on during office hours.

Young Minds provides a telephone helpline for anyone who has concerns about the mental health of a child or young person.

The British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy has an online directory to find a local counsellor.

The Child Psychotherapy Trust (Telephone: ) has a register of professionals throughout the country and information on what child psychotherapists do. You will need to download Adobe Acrobat Reader (free) in order to access the free leaflet.

For more information, see our section on finding counsellors & therapists.

HOW SCHOOLS CAN HELP

When a child returns to school after a bereavement there are a number of things that teachers and staff can do to help the bereavement process as he or she settles back into school life. It is important that the whole staff team know about the death. The Compassionate Friends leaflet ‘When a Child in Your School is Bereaved’ gives practical advice and points out that it can be very painful for a child if the school do not seem to acknowledge what has happened. It is helpful to remember that key dates and anniversaries will be hard and these should be passed on to the next class teacher or school.

Another resource for information is the Child Bereavement Trust who produce workbooks designed for children and other materials. Their website features a section on how schools can help bereaved children.

PRACTICAL MATTERS

Advice on all the practical matters following a death can be found in a detailed publication from the former Department of Social Services, ‘What to do after a death in England and Wales’ and ‘What to do after a death in Scotland’. These are available online but you will need to download Adobe Acrobat Reader (free) in order to access the leaflet on Scotland.

Funerals

The Office of Fair Trading has useful, clear information on how to arrange a funeral. They also give some idea of the costs involved in a funeral. If you are receiving one of a number of benefits or tax credits you may be entitled to help with these costs. A leaflet from the former Department of Social Services, ‘What to do after a death in England & Wales’, details who is eligible for Social Fund Funeral Payments and how to apply. The Citizens Advice Bureau site also covers funeral payments.

The National Federation of Funeral Directors has a directory to help find a Funeral Director close to you.

The Compassionate Friends leaflet ‘Preparing Your Child’s Funeral’ is worth reading before you make arrangements, as it includes ideas that have been collected by many parents on how to make the funeral a special and lasting memory.

Registering the Death

Details of how and when to register the death vary according to where the death occurred. Contact the government offices in question for more information.

To register a death in England & Wales
To register a stillbirth in England & Wales
To register a death in Scotland
To register a stillbirth in Scotland
To register a death in Northern Ireland

Coroners, Inquests & Post Mortems

A death will be reported to a coroner (or procurator fiscal in Scotland) in certain circumstances: when a doctor cannot give a proper certificate for the cause of death, or when the death was sudden, unexpected or unnatural, for example.

Coroners are usually lawyers but can also be doctors. They are independent judicial officers who must enquire into the cause of death. Each coroner has an officer who will be the point of contact with the family. It is the officer who collects information on the death and either the coroner or officer must be available at all times. The Home Office website explains more about the coroner’s role.

An inquest is an inquiry into the cause of death and is not a trial. The coroner cannot blame anyone for the death. The Home Office leaflet, ‘When Sudden Death Occurs’, gives useful definitions and information on coroners, inquests and post mortems. You will need to download Adobe Acrobat Reader (free) in order to access the leaflet.

The Compassionate Friends site has a leaflet on inquests (England and Wales only).

The Foundation for the Study of Infant Death produce a free booklet `When a Baby Dies Suddenly and Unexpectedly’, which covers the coroner’s role and seeing your baby after a post mortem.

The Compassionate Friends leaflet ‘When Your Child has been Murdered’ gives information on the roles and procedures of coroners and inquests.

Inquest offers support for people trying to obtain justice through the coroners’ system and can be reached on .

COMFORT THROUGH FAITH

Support, guidance and help in finding a way to remember and mark the time of loss can be sought from various religious organisations. It may also be possible for you to find helpful ideas from religious practises even if you are not sure of your own position on faith.

If you are not involved in a religious organisation the Humanist Society can provide help in conducting the funeral.

BOOKS AND ARTICLES

Compassionate Friends provide excellent, detailed leaflets that you can print from the Internet. They also do a postal library service of 1000 titles, which cost Ј3 plus postage.

Cruse Bereavement Care has a good list of books for children in age brackets.

Winston’s Wish has an extensive list of titles and resources like memory boxes and activity sheets.

The Foundation for the Study of Infant Death has leaflets and publications. The Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS) also has a list of publications.

‘Haunted by a baby I never held’ (Telegraph) A father's experience of stillbirth.

‘My body told me I still had a baby’ (Telegraph)

‘Unbearable grief’ and ‘Losing an infant - one father's story’ (Guardian)

‘Life without Theo’ (Guardian)

‘How do children deal with the death of a parent?’ (Guardian)